All I have to say is that inside my head is a little bit of a hard place. Everyone struggles with something and sometimes after your life changes dramatically, those struggles heighten and become little harder to handle.
A couple of months ago my dad left. He left after having an affair, he left because he said he wasn't happy. He said that it was either stay and be unhappy and miserable or leave. Since then I only hear from him once every month or every couple of months. No one wanted this to happen, especially my mom. She still loved my dad and told him that she would forgive everything and we could be a family if he would just come home. But he said he wasn't coming home, he didn't love her anymore. We didn't make him happy.
Honestly its been really rough but everyone is trying to push through. We're all struggling with all of the changes that are going to come with the holidays this year but I've decided that the holidays aren't going to suck unless I let them, right? I'm going to try and make the best of it so maybe we can all get through it a little bit easier. My mom is dating thank goodness! She deserves to be happy and to have someone love and cherish her and be by her side because she hasn't had that for a very long time.
So about the struggles in my head, since all of this craziness went down I've been having a much bigger struggle with my anxiety and my self esteem (Like I have since I was in Kindergarten)... but it just made it worst for some reason. Its like I look in the mirror and don't recognize myself. Its like what they talk about in Psych. If you have something genetic (like anxiety) that isn't very surfaced, it is more likely to become more pronounced after a traumatic experience. In my family our anxiety attaches itself to something. Unfortunately for me, mine attaches itself to every little shred of confidence I have. it used to not be bad at all, I could shove it aside and ignore it. But now I feel like its pushing into my head all the time. I look in the mirror and feel anything but beautiful or good enough. Its like I HAVE to be better...there's nothing I don't want to change and its SUPER depressing. I know every girl in the world struggles every now and then with their image but pair mine with anxiety and its like very panicked hopeless feeling. Sometimes it also makes me depressed which scares me a little. I know my Heavenly father loves me more than anything, I just need to learn to love myself.
I don't know if it's because I always thought my family would be a stable unit with normal family problems and it all of a sudden it fell under my feet and now it's intensified, or I'm trying to attach my grief to something. I don't know....all I know is that it feels suffocating. I want it gone. Anthony helps a lot, he is an amazing husband, and whenever I'm really struggling he picks me back up but it's hard. It would definitely be a lot worse without him, he makes me feel so loved and reminds me of the big picture. I just have to remember that Heavenly Father gives us all trials and they are all different, they all teach us, and they will help us become who we are meant to be as long as we have faith and persevere through it.
So Yep. my head is a hard confusing place, but I also have so many blessings and amazing people in my life that make it beautiful. My life is beautiful. and even though there are cracks in the cement around me, I know that flowers with grow in-between every one. I always feel better after a long exhausting run...maybe I should pair that with scripture study more often and I would be better off. If your reading this and have any advice or a different perspective, I would love to hear it...it would be good for me to get outside of my own head. Thanks for reading!
