My Unpleasant Blast From the Past.

All I can tell myself is how could I let this happen? Two days ago I was having a normal school day and enjoying my classes...Then I got to my marriage and family class, I knew what the discussion was going to be. Abusive Relationships. I sat at my desk and told myself it was okay and that I would learn something new. We went into depth about a lot of things and after each minute I could feel my heart beating faster and faster. I struggled to keep my breathing in tact and fought the urge to grab my stuff and go, but I sat there and masked everything. After class I called my mom and told her what was going on and she said she would come over. On my way up to my apartment I willed myself to keep it together but as soon as I walked through my front door I lost it. Something that at one point was trying to keep it together turned into a full blown anxiety attack. I couldn't stop crying, I was in a complete panic, and I couldn't seem to catch my breath. I felt as If I was not in control and for me that was so scary.
When you have anxiety attacks its best to focus on the things around you, the things in the present so you can be pulled out of wherever you are in your head. My mom did this and after a little bit I calmed down and sat there silently while the tears still came. I knew what I needed and asked if I could have a preisthood blessing. My friends Trent and Tyler were over as fast as they could. After my blessing I felt peace and my thoughts were clearer. I was then able to think about what had just happened and why it happened. 4 years ago I was in an abusive relationship. I know, that was a long time ago but after what happened I knew that 4 years ago I hadn't really let myself do what was necessary to get over it and leave it in my past. Of course I went to my Bishop but afterwards I never gave myself the time I needed to have closure and not let it become a part of me. When things like this happen most people go to a therapist and I never did that I just said I was over it. But little did I know there was a switch in my brain that was waiting to be triggered at the perfect moment. When that happened I was literally taken back and felt as if it had just happened yesterday.

I realize now that I have unknowingly let what happened have power over me for the past 4 years. It is the reason why I'm so jumpy, it is why I stress so much, why I have trouble sleeping, why my heart races out of knowwhere and for no reason, and why I have a hart time not crying when things get stressfull. It is also why I have always had a difficult time being happy with myself and how I look. See all of these things? I didn't know there was a reason for it I just thought it was me...but now I know its not. Now I know that theres something I have to do about it....Now I know that even though I thought I did, I never forgave the guy or myself. I know it's going to be hard but I know it is possible. I know now that this cannot and will not have power over me anymore and I don't want what happened two days ago to ever happen again.

I am now going to do whats necessary to get over it and move on. Although I wish I would've done that a long time ago! I know that through prayer, scripture study, and the atonement that I will be healed from this and It will no longer be a part of me. I don't want this in me any longer and I know that through Christ that can happen. Although I wish Anthony was here I know that I am strong enough to do this and to face everything I should've so long ago. So today I am starting my journey of letting go of anything and everything that has hurt me in the past. I am so thankful for my roommates and my amazing mother (my hero) who helped me so much in that moment and pulled me out of the past. I will keep you updated on how things are going! Wish me luck!

Windows to the Soul

                     Today my class got out early so now I am sitting in the Ricks building to pass time. As I was sitting here I noticed how beautiful the windows are. Have you ever thought about windows? Not just windows in general but "OUR" windows. The windows to our hearts, our souls, our own personal windows that make us who we are as individuals. Some people hide their windows behind shutters so people won't know the real them and some people hang curtains or turn off all the lights so nobody can see inside. No matter how different we all seem, all of us have windows. Some are large, some are small, and some are different shapes. We all have unique qualities and characteristics just as windows do but do we ever think about cleaning them??

Sometimes we forget to cean our windows and the world we look at becomes foggy and disfigured. The smudges and marks disfigure things we see everyday into objects and experiences that are unknown to us. When we aren't able to see out our own windows correctly it allows Satan to put question marks where God already placed periods. This happened to me recently...I woke up, looked through my window, and noticed that my atitude was different and I wasn't motivated. Things that hadn't worried me before all of a sudden came and bombarded me with questions and insecurities. When I realized that my window was dirty I pulled out my "Windex" and cleaned it until there wasn't even a streak to spot. Afterwards I was able to have a more postitive correct outlook on my life and my daily responsibilities and challenges as a human being.

So how do our windows get dirty? It's simple. Our windows gather dust and all kinds of dirt and smudges when we aren't doing what makes us happy, when we neglect our daily prayers and scripture study, and when we make ourselves so busy that we don't have the time to just sit down, think, and have a few quiet moments to ourselves, When we forget who we are, and when we forget to focus on the positives. These things may be small but they play a key factor in whether or not your looking through a clean window!

When I noticed how having a dirty window was affecting my mood, my behavior, and my motivation as a busy college student I knew I had to do something. I started doing the opposite of what I was doing before my world became obscured. I decided to keep myself organized, take at least 1 or 2 hours a day to relax and have some time to myself. (Running, reading a good book..ect.) I also made a note to say my evening and morning prayers because I would forget sometimes because I was "Too busy" or "In too much of a hurry" to do anything else. Managing my time became a lifesaver. I made a goal that after I was done with classes I would get all of my homework done before anything else so I could spend the rest of the day doing what makes me happy.

Its simple...BE HAPPY. If you know something's not going to bring you eternal happiness..DON'T DO IT.  When your feeling overwhelmed or stressed TAKE A FEW MOMENTS TO YOURSELF. When you feel depressed or unmotivated remember that YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD AND THROUGH HIM ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE. When you're having a rough day..SMILE..if you have to force it just keep forcing it and pretty soon it will be genuine. When my window becomes hard to see through I have to remind myself that we become what we constantly do and what we don't do eventually becomes us. The small decisions that we make every day determine whether or not our windows are bringing in the sunlight or casting shadows on our walls...Its your choice.

I have to head to my class in 5 minutes! Wow...it's amazing how much inspiration can come from the simple things that we look at or walk past every day. My day today is hectic but I am so glad I was able to sit by these beautiful windows and look out into the world...Its a good thing they were cleaned!!

Who am I?!

Who am I? Thats a good question. I think every one at least once or more in their lives have to ask themselves this....It isn't just that you don't know who you are...its how you've changed over the weeks and years, its how you've grown, its how you've let experiences and challenges shape you, it's how you've chosen to find happiness. Such experiences may cause you to ask not "Who am I?" But "Who am I now?" When faced with this question it isn't hard for me to see how much I've changed but most of us don't just sit down and think about. So today I've decided to make a list of things that make me...me! A list of things that makes me who I am NOW....I'm deciding to take a minute and think about it. So here it is!

The List of What Makes Me Morgan!

I have a really abnoxious laugh and when I start I can't stop.

I love blank paper. Not to draw on but to write anything and everything.

 

I love to see the temple!!..In Salt Lake City, in December when they light up Temple Square!

I SERIOUSLY COULD...

YEP...I'm a giggler!

I love Sour Patch Kids!! I can't have them very often, but when I do its a party!

I am obsessed with Nike Training! I take it with me everywhere. This is what I always do after my run!

I love pictures!! I have to have them everywhere or it drives me insane.

I am seriously addicted to Wheat thins.

I ADORE thunderstorms..I always turn off all the lights so I can watch the lightning.

 

 

Stargazer Lillies are my favorite flowers!

I. LOVE. RUNNING.

When I was in 7th grade my family took a trip to Maui! We ended up taking a snorkeling trip to this island on a boat just like this!! It was one of the most beautiful experiences and I dream of going back!(I have no idea who the people on the bottom left are.)

I love having movie Nights!

 

MY BED ALWAYS HAS TO BE PERFECTLY MADE-

 

So Obviously there is a lot here but there is so much more that makes me who I am...I just don't want to spend all day on here and I have TONS of homework!..And running to do..and I need to write a letter to Anthony! Thanks for reading and getting to know me better :-D HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY!

 



I'll Praise You in this Storm!

Today has been wonderful! I got my homework done but not before I procrastonated by taking the time to bond with my guitar first. I sat on my couch in my empty apartment, my fingers strummed the familiar rhythm on the strings as a sweet melody filled the air. I closed my eyes and let myself get lost in it. Music has helped me through so much in my life and I'm afraid if I wasn't able to sing or play the guitar I would feel a deep purpose lost in my life and I would feel the empty void of something missing. There have been times in my life where I honestly don't know how I would've come out of it. If it wasn't for my testimony of this gospel and music I don't think I would have made it. Now when you put those two things together, the gospel and music, you have something truly beautiful and inspiring. One of my favorite bands is called "Casting Crowns." Sometimes I can't listen to their music without tearing up or feeling the overwhelming sense of love and comfort from my Heavenly Father and the times that he has carried me through the storms of my life. Even though they're not a LDS band, their words are so deep and profound that you can't just listen for a second...it grabs your heart and makes you want to listen until its done and then over and over again.

I remember waking up the morning that Anthony left feeling the most heartbreak I've ever had to feel before. I thought that was hard until I was diagnosed with a disease that would lower my chance of having children and changed how I would have to live my life.. my world crashed around me. After that I had to fight anxiety, depression, low self worth, loss of identity, and loss purpose. It was even harder because Anthony wasn't here,and he has always been my rock. I really didn't know how much I could take....When I heard "Praise You in This Storm" By Casting Crowns I remember standing there frozen and completely overwhelmed...this song touched me so deeply and it was through it that I got some of my strength and courage back. It was through this song that I was reminded that Heavenly Father loves me and knows what I'm going through. He gives us trials so we can grow and become more like him. Sometimes it take heartbreak to bring us closer to Christ and its trials that helps us know and understand that he has a plan for us..we just need to trust him even when it isn't the plan that we had for ourselves and we're scared... Music will forever be such a blessing in my life and I am so thankful for this song that got me through so much and helps me every day....No matter what is going on in my life, no matter how many trials I have to go through...I will ALWAYS praise him in the storm. Christ is with us through the crashing thunder, the raging winds, the rain, and the fog that threatens to swallow us when things feel too difficult for us to handle. Christ will always be there to show us that we are strong enough and we will get through it because he never leaves us...

ESPECIALLY IN A STORM.

My Beautiful Life: Early Morning Blessings!

During these few weeks I have really been able to see how beautiful my life is....As I walked each morning to my classes I am given the oppertunity to have some time to my self in the peacefull quiet of the cool air. Most people will complain about having to walk to class each morning in the chilly weather but its one of my favorite times of the day. I have started getting up early in the morning to run before my classes. Mornings are so amazing to me now. I can't explain it..just being able to see the sun come up and to be able to smell the morning air (Yes it has a smell) is amazing to me. The world is waking up and for a couple of minutes you are a part of that and you are experiencing it. Mornings have become my favorite time of day and I soak in the beauty of it.  My alarm go's off at 6:30, I wiggle out of bed,say my prayers and get my running gear on. I love the feeling of the cold hardwood as I tiptoe across the floor and try not to wake up my roomates. Afterwards I fill up my waterbottle and walk out into the brisk air to drive to the fitness center. These moments are so special to me because I have the time to think and start my day out right. It was in one of these moments when I realized how blessed I am to have the life I do. I have an amazing family, a loving Heavenly Father, a man that loves me with all of his heart, and a body that allows me to do the things that I do. Even though I have my disease, it doesn't feel like it. I am able to run long distances, sprint, and push myself to the limit. I am able to see Heavenly Fathers hand in my life every day and I can see the beauty all around me. There is always beauty if we look for it. And starting my days early has helped me to see that and to appreciate it throughout my day. Throughout life there are always going to be hardships and times when we wonder why we have to go through the things we do, but if we stay strong, stay positive, and do the best that we can do while trusting in Heavenly Father, we will never lose. We will always grow, always become better and always learn that we are stronger than we thought. I am so thankful for the things in my life that have pushed me to my limit, I am so greatfull for all that I have. I am so greatfull for early mornings and the magic that they bring. It is my goal that each time I wake up in the morning I will take a second and think about what I have to be greatfull for and happy about. Because there is always something to smile about it...Even dark skies are beautiful if you just take a minute and look a little deeper.

My "HAPPY THOUGHTS."

Today I was a little down so I decided to write about the things that bring me the most happiness in my life. We all have certain things that mean so much to us that are completely unique and special to us in ways that others don't quite understand....Here are my happy thoughts.

GOLDEN RETRIEVER PUPPIES!

But most of all.....

MY PUPPIES

They always cheer me up and I've missed them while being at school!

I also love.....

THE OCEAN

 

The smell of the sea salt breeze and the sound of the waves have been my favorite since I was a little girl.

I also love listening to....

THE SOUND OF RAIN

 

After it rains is also my favorite smell, I wouldn't want to smell anything else.

Something I've also held close to my heart since I was little is...this may be a surprise...

GORILLAS

 

Its all Mighty Joe Young's fault! I can't help it.

 

One of my other joys is

WORKING OUT.

Within this love is...

RUNNING

Nothing feels better than finishing 4 miles and then doing Cross Training,

I am addicted to the power I feel during the struggle.

 

Something that I've stuck to since I was little is

WRITING.

Since Anthony's been gone I've filled up almost 6 big journals! I guess I'm addicted to that too.

 

Athough I have many "Happy Thoughts" one of my most special happy thoughts is

 

 

 

 

 

 



A Week of New Beginnings!!!

At least once a year, my family takes a road trip to California. One of my favorite things about going to Cali is, you guessed it, the beach. I love the sea salt breeze that comes off of the ocean waves and the feeling of the sand between my toes. More than that I love the time that I get to think about what I want out of life; my goals, my dreams, and the experiences and trials that I've had that have made me stronger. Even hearing the waves gives me more clarity than I would have in a regular setting, it just calms me down. You might be wondering why I'm telling you this but today I had one of those moments. I was able to think and ponder about everything with a clear head and an open heart like I would be able to if I were on a beach listening to the ocean tide. A couple of years ago my family and I took Anthony on a trip to Lake Michigan. Being able to experience that peace and clarity with Anthony was so special to me. We left right as the sun was setting. I couldn't help but look back.....

 

 

Today I was reminded of how much Heavenly Father has blessed me in life through other people and through experiences where I've had to believe in myself to be able to move foward. While pondering all of the many blessings in my life I was also reminded of the things that I need to improve on. Throughout this semester of college I've thought to myself, "I'm doing my best" but am I really? Am I really doing my best? Even though I feel like I've been working hard I have the feeling that I'm still not giving my all in everything that I do. Since I've been up on BYU-I campus I've succeded in a couple of things-

• Making morning prayer a habit
• finding service oppertunities
• Reading my scriptures
• Doing well in my classes

Even though I've been doing good in these areas I still want to do better and be better. I'm doing well in my classes but am I really putting enough effort into them? I also make sure to read my scriptures daily but recently I've been forgetting more than I should. While I'm getting better in so many aspects I'm also not doing well in others. So after thinking about all of this today, I'm making this week a week of new beginnings!!! These are the things that I am going to focus on improving. I'm trusting my gut in the sense that if I discipline myself with accomplishing these goals and gettting back on track that I will be happier and were I should be physically, mentally, and spiritually. So here are the things that I need to improve!-

• Remembering to read my scriptures before I go to bed and when I wake up
• Going to bed early enough to be able to "Rise Early" and start my day right
• Making sure I make the time (no matter how much homework I have) to get a good workout in each day
• Doing the absolute best in my classes instead of doing "just enough to get by."
• Focusing on my health needs and remembering what I can and can't eat.
• Staying positive no matter how stressfull my day is
• Remembering to search for God's hand in my life.
• Stay away from anything that is going to bring me down.

You may think that there's a lot of goals there to improve on but I feel like this is sincerily what I need to be the best that I can be and how I will be able to make the best out of having Polycystic Ovarian Desease. Some of the main factors of this desease is that stress very harmful to me and my body, (moreso than a normal person), have insulin spikes, and not workout. If I acomplish these goals (Which I will) I will be less stressed, happier, and I will be taking care of myself how I should have been this whole time. I haven't been giving my all. This has weighed down on me because I know with all of my heart that If we are doing our best that Heavenly Father will help us and make up the difference. Today when I realized that I wasn't doing my absolute best in what is required of me to stay healthy, do well in school, and stay close to Christ, I knew I had to do something because right now I am hindering myself and I'm not letting Heavenly Father influence my life or help me in the ways that he wants to and needs to. I want him to know that I am doing all that I can with what he has given me so he knows how greatful I am for all that I have including my disabilities. I am so greatful and feel so blessed for all that he has given me.

I feel so excited to start my new week and put things in motion!!! I know I can do this and I'm not going to let anyone (including myself) hold me back. I don't want to just "DO," I want to "BECOME."