My journey from weakness to strength!

              A long time ago in 8th grade, I was a relay sprinter...and I was really good. All of that ended when I found a lump on my lower stomach. We soon learned that it was a hernia and I had to go into surgery. When they took it out, recovery seemed to take forever. I ended up not running for a year afterwards because it was painful.  Junior year I decided I was going to do track again, but ended up quitting because #1- I had lost my "Mojo" &  #2- I started to hurt again. My mom and I went to the doctor to see if whatever it was could be fixed and or diagnosed. He said that sometimes scar tissue can cause pain, but I could work through it. He also said that I was at risk for getting more hernia's if I continued what I was doing.
                    
                           After that day I just stopped. I decided that maybe it wasn't in the cards for me to run again. I didn't worry about working out or being in the same shape as I was while I was doing track because I was still pretty petite. After Anthony left on his mission, My body and my mind were put through a lot of stress. Because of this, I gained some weight and then started having horrible stomach pains. I ended up having to have surgery again because they found a mass in one of my ovaries and couldn't find out what it was. During my surgery they not only figured out what the mass was but found that my left ovary was attached to my colon. When I woke up, they told me that the mass was an erupted cyst and that I had been diagnosed with Poly cystic Ovarian Disease. (PCOD) My surgeon then explained that because of this disease, I would have a difficult time having children. Anthony wasn't here to face the news with me or to hold my hand through it, so I felt really alone and broken. Wanting to find out how I could make my situation better, I talked to my mom about what I could do that would increase my ability to have children even with this disease.

                      
                           My mom, who has been majoring in Health Science told me that If I made my body stronger, the better and easier it would be for me to have kids and that I would lessen the risk of my (PCOD) getting worse. In that moment I knew that even though I was mostly in control of the situation, I would still have to leave it up to God. I decided to have faith that if I worked hard and did all that I could do to be stronger, healthier, and in shape, that he would meet me half way...and he has :) Since then I have been able to get back in shape and actually be in better shape than I ever have, even when I was running track. I don't have any pain from either of my surgery's and I am able to run 3 miles at once! I have never been able to do that.

                        This has been once of the biggest learning experiences of my entire life. At first it was hard because I expected to get better without putting the work in or trying my hardest. I didn't believe that I was capable of doing what I knew I needed to do. It wasn't until I buckled down and forced myself to have faith that I could do it and that I WAS strong enough, that I actually started getting results. Ever since I was a little girl, I have battled with horrible self esteem and body image. I spent so much time worrying about how I looked, and thinking that I wasn't beautiful, that I actually believed it even though there was nothing wrong with me. It  took having something very wrong with me for me to realize what I have been doing to myself all of these years, and that I never apprecitated what I had. Because of this I was given the trial of something actually being wrong with me. I was never happy with myself even though there was nothing wrong...Now I've had to learn to be happy with myself while something IS wrong. I learned my lesson. Because of my new goal and faith in myself, I am happy to say that for the first time in my life  I am confident in my abilities and my body because I have made my body strong!! It wasn't until I was forced with having to help fix myself that I learned to love myself even though I have flaws. I am also happy to say that I have some sweet biceps and abs!! It wasn't until now that I realized that all of the stress I was putting myself through every day to be better and look better was holding me back from my mental and physical potential, and was blinding me to what I was actually seeing in the mirror.

                        
                     Because of this trial, I have learned that when we are given hard things to deal with, it is almost always because we are supposed to learn something from it specifically and become stronger. I was given this trial so I could learn how to love myself and have confidence in myself. I learned that I have the power to change my situation and that God has the upper hand no matter what the doctors say...I just have to do my part. I still have a lot of stomach pain at times, but I push through it because Heavenly Father has shown me that I am strong, beautiful, and capable of anything I set my mind to as long as I trust in him and believe in his faith in me. Never think that there isn't a reason why your going through something hard or having to face heartbreaking news like I had to...God knows what is best for us and he knows what we need even though we might not see it ourselves. Sometimes the best medicine out there is believing in yourself, having faith in God, having faith in his timing, and having faith in his plan for you. My trial isn't yet over, but I am stronger than I have ever been and nothing is going to stop me, nor will I let it.  "Don't limit yourself and don't let others convince you that you are limited in what you can do. Believe in yourself and then live so as to reach your possiblilities. You can achieve what you believe you can. Trust and believe and have faith." - Thomas S. Monson.

My Test.

      Yesterday started out pretty normal. I went out with my mom and had no worries about anything, but no matter how hard I focused, I couldn't get American Idol out of my head. I knew that they were going to be coming to Idaho Falls next Saturday; friends and family kept telling me I needed to do it, but I  shrugged it off. Finally I decided I was going to do it!! My decisiveness soon turned to confusion when I realized that the Tryouts would be the final day of Martin's Cove. SHOOT. Pretty soon I just decided that I was going to do the American Idol tryouts instead of Martin's Cove. Throughout the day I kept reassuring myself that American Idol was a once and a lifetime opportunity and I would regret it if I didn't take the chance and go. For some reason things about the trek kept popping up and I kept ignoring them. Things on Pinterest even told me that I needed to go!! ha ha  While I was cleaning the living room I found my list of supplies I would have to bring and I quickly covered it up and tried to forget about it. Later that day, I couldn't get the trek out of my head and it didn't feel right to miss it, but it was either that or chasing my dream. I soon realized I knew I was avoiding thinking about Martin's Cove when I was saying my prayers and steered away from the subject of whether or not I should go...because I already knew what the answer was. Trying to sleep became impossible with the two decisions flying around in my brain like two angry butterflies. I knew what I wanted to do and I knew what I needed to do, but somehow I couldn't bring myself to make the decision. At last resort, I decided to pick up an Ensign with the hope to find an answer...this is what popped up as soon as I started reading- " All members of the Church at some time in their lives face moments that test the sincerity and strength of their testimonies. How can we distinguish between truth and error? How can we avoid becoming like those who are "kept from the truth because they know not where to find it?  It is up to us whether we remain firm in our testimonies." At that point I knew and was just like, " OK I get it...I know what I need to do." In that moment I prayed and thanked Heavenly Father for being so patient with me and apologized for being so stubborn with his promptings. I'm so thankful that I was finally able to do what I knew was right and follow his promptings for me. I am so thankful that I was able to discern from " Truth and Error." After I changed my mind, I thought about my decision and found that I wasn't even upset that I wasn't trying out for American Idol anymore. I knew in that moment that I would've regretted not going to Martin's Cove even more. The spirit hit me pretty hard as I came to a realization. If the pioneers had to sacrifice everything to leave and go on their journey, why wouldn't I have to sacrifice something too? Why wouldn't I also have to have a trial of my faith and testimony? Even if I tried out, I would only be able to do THAT because they start taping the actual show the same time I would start school and they wouldn't end taping until after Anthony comes home so I would miss it that too. I wanted to do it just to say I did, but what is one day of singing in front of judges compared to 4 days growing closer with Heavenly Father and the people you love??  I learned so much yesterday and I'm so happy I was able to make the right decision with Heavenly Fathers help...He is always here to guide us when we don't know which road to turn onto. Trust in Christ and he will never lead you wrong. He knows us better than we know ourselves and knows what is best for us when we're not sure what to do. We just have to listen to what he's trying to tell us.  I could've followed what I've dreampt about since I was a little girl, but I decided to follow my other dream.... Looking up at Heavenly Father and listening to him say,  " Well done , good and faithful servant; thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy Lord."

Dreams and Warriors.

           Moments in our life pass by so quickly that they seem to flash before our eyes like a photo. Memories become whispers drifting with the wind to our hearts while more memories wait to be made reality. While more memories wait to be created, my dreams seem to keep me on steady, calm ground. Anthony has been gone 13 months and I still feel him as if he were right next to me. He visits me in my dreams often and I wake up forgetting that he's gone, but I would never take back those moments. In a way they have kept me together and have kept me focused. Often they are answers to my prayers. A couple weeks ago I went to bed really stressed and emotionally exhausted. I didn't remember falling asleep, but I woke up and saw Anthony standing by my bed. I got up confused but I was so happy to see him, I tried not to cry. I could tell by the look on his face that he knew how stressed I was and wanted to take it away so badly. In that moment he wrapped me up in his arms and just hugged me and I instantly felt all of my stress leave me......I felt so happy and complete....I wanted it to last forever, but it was over as soon as it started. I woke up with a smile on my face and I could still feel his arms around me.
              Two nights ago it was different. He walked through my back-door dressed like a soldier and it looked like he had just been in the middle of a war. He was bloodied and looked so hurt and exhausted. I cupped his face between my hands and looked at him and told him everything was going to be alright and that we would get through it together. This time I was comforting him. We looked at each other knowing we would face the battle side by side and would be strong together. The dream ended with his battered and pained face cupped in my hands as I looked at him telling him he could do it and I believed in him. The weird thing about that dream was that no words were spoken and we were frozen in time. It was like we saw it in each others eyes. When I woke up I was hurting because of the pain he felt in the dream. I layed in bed for a second trying to take the dream in and ran it through in my mind so I wouldn't forget it. As the day passed, I realized something. Every single day we are in a war against good and evil; a battle against us and Satan. When we wake up in the morning we put on our armor and face the day. Some days we forget our armor and get bloodied and injured during battle. Some days our armor gets pierced and we are left hurting and bloodied even though we put it on, but we never stop fighting. We are all God's warriors and as much as our faith and love for Christ keeps us strong and determined; we also need each other. We need to help bare and lift each others burdens when the battle gets tough and our armor gets heavy. In my dream, all Anthony needed to know was that we were in it together and I wouldn't leave him during battle. He needed to be reminded he was strong and he was loved. Sometimes that's all we need to get back up and face the world again, to face our battles....the simple fact that we are never alone. I have always seen Anthony as my warrior but I hope he knows that I didn't just send him off to battle...I am fighting right along with him and I always will be.

               My dreams change, but one thing about them always stays the same...Anthony. He never leaves my side even though he's so far away :) My dreams are only moments but they are beautiful and they have purpose. When I have needed it most, Anthony is always here to comfort me. He might be 20,000 miles away, but every day we walk out to battle with Heavenly Father...to shine our light into the darkness...TOGETHER. SIDE BY SIDE. AS WARRIORS OF GOD.

The Walmart Surprise.

Yesterday was just a normal day and I was running some earrands with my mom. I wasn't feeling very well so I stayed in the car but soon felt like I needed to walk around. I got out of the car and made my way into walmart to find my mom and see what she was up to. When we were done shopping I got two facebook notices on my phone that I ignored until we had bagged our groceries and were walking away. When I looked at them it said that a girl in England that Anthony is teaching tagged some photo's of me! I was really confused and first thought, "How could she have pictures of me?" Then I froze in the middle of walmart as the realization hit me like a wave of water. These weren't pictures of me....they were pictures of Anthony. I hesitated making the internet connection on my phone while the pictures loaded and the butterflies in my stomach grew more and more restless trying to find some peace. When the picture loaded I was looking right at the face of the man I have been without for over a year; the man I love with all of my heart. My mom wanted to know what was wrong...with a smile on my face I said, "it's Anthony!" It wasn't until I handed the phone over that without warning I just started to cry...right in the middle of walmart. haha :) I know some people were wondering what was wrong with me, but little did they know, the girl crying in the middle of walmart had just seen the face of her Missionary :) I was so happy to see him and I felt like the hole in my heart that came from missing him so much had stitched over...my heart was full and I feel so blessed that she sent those pictures to me :) Here is the picture that came up on my phone and made me fall in love with him even more-


Elder Anthony Humphries has one of the most kind and loving hearts I have ever known :) Last week he sent me an email in the middle of the week just to tell me he loved me...Every time I think of him or see him I feel like the luckiest girl in the world, and I feel so blessed to have found my prince :) Besides, how could anyone resist that handsome face! <3