He is my miracle.

A couple days ago I got a letter from Anthony!! Over the past 15 months I've almost filled up an entire binder with his letters and it is amazing to go back and be reminded of how fast time is passing and how much we have grown. Out of all of the letters I have gotten, this one was very different and in the best way possible. This letter gave me so much comfort and I felt so much warmth after reading it..his letters always make me feel that way but as I said before...this letter was different. It was like everything he wrote down helped me with everything I was struggling with. Some days the pressure that comes with my (POD) puts a lot of weight on my shoulders and I fight the feeling that I'm damaged. In his letter he told me that he could tell I was struggling and he wanted me to let it all out to him...he said he wanted me to vent because he wanted to know exactly how I was feeling. He continued by saying that every day its hard for him not to look down on himself because of his false eye, the things he's been through in his life and that he feels damaged at times too. In that moment I realized that he has been going through what I just started dealing with ever since he was 15. In that moment I  felt completely understood and connected to him in a way I haven't been before. I realized that we are now going through the same thing together...we were both given certain imperfections that we have to learn to love even though its hard and we are helping each other see them in a brighter light. This part of the letter was what hit me the hardest...

"Do you know I've never loved anyone so much? There is no one that shines as bright as you in this entire country. Don't see it as a disease. Don't see yourself as less. If you do your not looking through my eyes or God's eyes."


After I read that and finished the letter I cried. I really cried for the first time in months. It was like I was letting myself let go of all of the pain I was feeling and was replacing it with the love I felt from Anthony even though I was feeling like less of a person. He knew exactly what to tell me even though he didn't know how I was feeling when he wrote my letter. He knew I needed to know that he loved me no matter what and that because of my disease I'm even more beautiful to him than before and I always will be. He let me know that he will always stand by my side and that we will always get through it together. He even said that his heart has been open for adoption if it doesn't work and that he will love any child of his own. I can't even begin to explain how much he comforted me. After the letter it was like I could feel him in the room with me, I knew that everything would be okay. For a while I didn't want to tell him that what I have is a disease because I didn't want him to be scared or think less of me...I was kinda stupid to even let myself entertain that thought. I am so blessed to have Anthony. He has a way of comforting me and giving me hope in a way that no one else does. He is the answer to all of my prayers and we are the same. We are both a little damaged in our own way and through our own experiences and choices from the past, but those things ultimately led us to each other. Now we are even stronger as a whole. Him opening up to me only made me love him more. I see his imperfections as beautiful. I know he doesn't, but I love his eye because I love him and his eye is a part of who he is :) His eye is an example of how strong he is and the things he has overcome. It makes him even more handsome than he already is. We all have our own scars...the trick is learning to see them as Honorable battle wounds instead of things that make us less perfect in someone Else's eyes or our own. We both have our scars and things missing, but together we make a whole. Anthony has taught me that. He is my miracle.

WE CAN DO THIS!!

For the past couple month's I have been able come to terms with having Polycistic Ovarian Syndrome. I started making the changes necessary to stay healthy and increase my chances of having children later. Yesterday, my mom got the opportunity during one of her classes to learn more about (POS). It turns out that there are a lot more risks that come with the disease than I knew of. I always knew that I needed to exercise and eat healthy because (POS) makes it easier to gain weight and be infertal, but once and I while when I would have sugar they weren't the smallest portions. It turns out that I have to monitor my sugar closely because my chances of Diabetes could increase..all because of my disease. My mom continued to explain that my weight gain at the start wasn't just caused by my Birth Control pills, but because when you have (POS) it messes with your blood sugar levels. When this happens, it makes your body feel hungry when your  not so you eat more. when she said this I realized how much this was happening to me, but I never noticed it.

As she told me all of this, there was immediately so much more I had to worry about and use caution with. I began to get a little sad and discouraged because I realized I would have to make even more changes to put with the other changes I  had to make to decrease the risk factors I already had. I felt a little defeated and sad. Then she started talking to me about a girl used as an example in her class that has (POS). She was mad about it and didn't want to make the necessary changes to be healthy with the disease. One day she decided she was done with being angry and feeling sorry for herself so she started to run and make the changes to be healthy. The Teacher said he hadn't seen her for a while, but ran into her one day. To his surprise she was healthy and pregnant! He used her as an example to say that women who have this disease have a choice. If you stay fit and eat healthy, you will not only be stronger but will be able to have children. After my mom told me this story all of the hope I had before returned and I started making notes of what I was already doing to help myself, and what I needed to start doing. Here is my list-

         WHAT I HAVE BEEN DOING.                                       

Running 3-4 miles every day.Not as much Strength Training.
• Eating more whole grains.
• Having sugar once in a while(Larger portions.)
• Not getting enough sleep.
• Stressing.

         WHAT I NEED TO START DOING.

• Eat more fruits and veggies.
• Drinking lots of water.
• Be more positive.
• Look in the mirror without criticizing.
• Not having sugar often( Smaller, healthier portions.)
• Get a healthy amount of sleep.
• More Strength Training after my run.
• Stop worrying and do the best I can do!

When I realized there were things I wasn't doing that were essential to staying healthy and out of risk when you have (POS), it wasn't hard for me to come to terms with the changes I needed to make. So many women have this disease and allow it to weigh them down. I refuse to let it trap me. If anything, I am determined to let this trial make me even stronger, healthier, and a better person than I was before I got this disease. I want to be an example to other women that we have a choice of how this affects our lives, our happiness, and how we view ourselves. To all those women who are going through the same thing I am,.....WE CAN DO THIS. WE CAN OVERCOME THIS. (POS) DOESN'T CONTROL US, WE CONTROL IT.

Life update!

For the past two weeks, I've been in Indiana! This is why it's been a while since my last entry. Because my family has a knack for road trips, we drove the full 24 hours it took to get there. I was so lucky to spend those two weeks with my family and be able to go to my aunt Megan's wedding! It was so beautiful :) That night we left on the two day drive back home. On the way, we went through palisades which was absolutely gorgeous! All of the tree's were brilliant shades of red, orange, and yellow. That is exactly why fall is my favorite season...even thought I like winter just as much!

It is so nice to be home again even though I miss my family in Indiana. This Friday I am handing in my application to "Journey's" in Rigby, so hopefully I start working there next week! I am really excited but also nervous. Journey's is a dissabilities center for children and adults. Each employee is paired with one child or adult to work with so they can accomplish specific tasks and goals. I hope I do a good job..wish me luck! I start School At BYU-I January 7th, I will be living on campus for the Winter semster, I recently accomplished my goal of being able to run 4 miles every day, and the man of my dreams will be home this coming June! Wow time is going by so fast..he'll be here before I know it! Things in my life keep changing, but they are good changes that keep me on my toe's. I wish I could make this longer but I have running and chores to do! Here's some pictures of my cousin and I at my aunts wedding :)