My Unpleasant Blast From the Past.

All I can tell myself is how could I let this happen? Two days ago I was having a normal school day and enjoying my classes...Then I got to my marriage and family class, I knew what the discussion was going to be. Abusive Relationships. I sat at my desk and told myself it was okay and that I would learn something new. We went into depth about a lot of things and after each minute I could feel my heart beating faster and faster. I struggled to keep my breathing in tact and fought the urge to grab my stuff and go, but I sat there and masked everything. After class I called my mom and told her what was going on and she said she would come over. On my way up to my apartment I willed myself to keep it together but as soon as I walked through my front door I lost it. Something that at one point was trying to keep it together turned into a full blown anxiety attack. I couldn't stop crying, I was in a complete panic, and I couldn't seem to catch my breath. I felt as If I was not in control and for me that was so scary.
When you have anxiety attacks its best to focus on the things around you, the things in the present so you can be pulled out of wherever you are in your head. My mom did this and after a little bit I calmed down and sat there silently while the tears still came. I knew what I needed and asked if I could have a preisthood blessing. My friends Trent and Tyler were over as fast as they could. After my blessing I felt peace and my thoughts were clearer. I was then able to think about what had just happened and why it happened. 4 years ago I was in an abusive relationship. I know, that was a long time ago but after what happened I knew that 4 years ago I hadn't really let myself do what was necessary to get over it and leave it in my past. Of course I went to my Bishop but afterwards I never gave myself the time I needed to have closure and not let it become a part of me. When things like this happen most people go to a therapist and I never did that I just said I was over it. But little did I know there was a switch in my brain that was waiting to be triggered at the perfect moment. When that happened I was literally taken back and felt as if it had just happened yesterday.

I realize now that I have unknowingly let what happened have power over me for the past 4 years. It is the reason why I'm so jumpy, it is why I stress so much, why I have trouble sleeping, why my heart races out of knowwhere and for no reason, and why I have a hart time not crying when things get stressfull. It is also why I have always had a difficult time being happy with myself and how I look. See all of these things? I didn't know there was a reason for it I just thought it was me...but now I know its not. Now I know that theres something I have to do about it....Now I know that even though I thought I did, I never forgave the guy or myself. I know it's going to be hard but I know it is possible. I know now that this cannot and will not have power over me anymore and I don't want what happened two days ago to ever happen again.

I am now going to do whats necessary to get over it and move on. Although I wish I would've done that a long time ago! I know that through prayer, scripture study, and the atonement that I will be healed from this and It will no longer be a part of me. I don't want this in me any longer and I know that through Christ that can happen. Although I wish Anthony was here I know that I am strong enough to do this and to face everything I should've so long ago. So today I am starting my journey of letting go of anything and everything that has hurt me in the past. I am so thankful for my roommates and my amazing mother (my hero) who helped me so much in that moment and pulled me out of the past. I will keep you updated on how things are going! Wish me luck!