Making Body Peace.

 Let me start off by saying that this entry is not easy for me to do, but it has to be done. A little while ago Seventeen Magazine decided to create the "Body Peace Treaty." As soon as it was out, thousands of young girls and women all over the world signed the Treaty with their own personal missions to love their body. I never thought of signing it because I didn't think  I needed it. I've struggled with liking my body since I was a little girl. I remember being twelve, looking in the mirror and not liking what I was seeing. I am now nineteen and still struggle with the same things as I did when I was younger.
      For a while my anxiety over my body has increased because I have changed so much over the past fifteen months. In a year I went from having a petite frame to having more of a curvy frame. For me the change has been really hard because I look so much different than I did when Anthony boarded the plane to England, and I've been worried about what he's going to think when he gets home. For quite a bit of time now I've blamed the shape of my body on my Ovarian Disease and the Birth Control I have to take because of it. Not once through this whole journey have I thought that maybe this is how my body is supposed to be.
     
       The reality of my body image problem came crashing down on me today when my mom and I did a little shopping. The thought of trying on a pair of jeans knowing I hadn't reached my fitness goals gave me anxiety and made me sick to my stomach. I sat on the chair battling tears that were threatening to spill over thinking to myself silently that I would never be as beautiful or as skinny as I had wished or worked to be. I was happy when we left the store but knew it wasn't over yet. I had some shopping I needed to do and the fitting room couldn't be avoided. Standing there in front of the mirror in the Dillard's fitting room, I hit my lowest point. My anxiety and sadness reached its max as looked in the mirror and felt disgusted with myself. My mom kept bringing me things to try on, but pretty soon the anxiety became too much and I sat in the fitting room and sobbed. I cried because I felt ugly, I cried because I didn't look the way I wanted too, and I cried because all I wanted to feel was beautiful and I couldn't.

          On the way home my mom and I talked about how I have been feeling. I know that no women should ever have to feel this way about themselves and I should have never let myself get this bad. Today was a huge wake-up call for me because I know that I need to make some serious changes in the way I view my body and how I think about myself as an individual. I know now that I need to get rid of my insecurities instead of letting them control me and how I feel about myself. Today is the day I start my journey to Body Peace. I know its not going to be easy, but I never want to feel like I did today ever again. I'm not going to give up until those thoughts are out of my head forever and I love my body. I'm not going to give up until I love myself for who I am meant to be inside and out.

I AM



AND THIS IS MY VOW.