The day Anthony had his surgery I was worried sick, especially when his Grandma called and said he was having a hard time. In that moment we were only friends but I felt so much for him and hated the thought of him struggling, especially through a surgery like that. That day had been very tough for me because I was missing my family from Indiana. My Aunt and Unkle, Jon and Erica had sent a video that had pictures of them and all of us together for our Christmas present. The other part of the present was a beautiful picture of my cousin Paisley. After the video I just cried because it was the first time in three years that we were away from them and it was hard.
The next night my mom and dad said that we should go and visit Anthony. My stomach swarmed with giant butterflies at the thought of it and at the fact that my feelings for him were only getting stronger. Although I had such strong feelings for him, I didn't think I deserved him so I kept it to myself. I was nervous as we walked through the snow to Anthony's front porch but as soon as his grandparents let us in I just wanted to see how he was doing. As we stood by the front door his grandpa asked us how our week had been and I tried to hold back the tears as I was reminded of Jon, Erica, and Paisley. He saw me get upselt and my mom just said that the past two days had been rough for all of us. We made our way in the living room and I did my best to hide the fact that I was about to cry and that I was so worried about Anthony. It was then that I saw him sitting in the recliner wearing his leathermans jacket with a face so bandanged up that I could only see his eyes. In that moment I felt so bad that I was about to cry for another reason because he was in so much pain. I wasn't sure how lucid he was because he didn't say much as we sat on the couches across from him.
As my parents exclaimed that it was about time for us to head out, we got up and thanked his grandparents for having us over and my parents told Anthony that they hoped he felt better soon. I didn't have any words as I made my way from the couch to the front door. All I could think about was that I didn't want to leave him and the fact that my feelings scared me. I made my way past the recliner Anthony was sitting and glanced at him for a second as I walked by. I again felt the confusing pang of having to leave him when suddenly someone grabbed my hand and pulled me from my thoughts. I was confused for a second and then looked down realizing that Anthony had grabbed my hand. As my gaze traveled from our hands to his eyes, it was like time had stopped. Even though he was under a lot of medication, Anthony was looking at me in a way I have never been looked at before. To this day it is still hard for me to describe it.It was like he was looking into my eyes with a look of pure longing..of pure love and protectiveness towards me and so much more. In that moment I felt like it was as if he was looking right through me and that he knew I was hurting, so he did the only thing he could do which was grab my hand, look at me, and make me see how he felt about me. I had never been looked at like that by anyone and all I could do was stare back in shock. When he let go of my hand and my gaze, I walked to the front door to join my parents and his grandparents who were looking at me with smiles on their faces.
When we arrived home that night all I could think about was how Anthony had looked at me. I stayed up all night tossing and turning and thinking that when he had grabbed hold of my hand, I felt different...like my heart would burst at any minute. It wasn't just the fact that he had grabbed my hand that had me utterly stunned, it was the fact that I didn't want him to let go. As I fell a sleep with butterflies in my stomach, I was reminded that he probably didn't realize what he was doing, that he wouldn't remember a thing, and that the look he gave me was the drugs wearing off.
The next day was Sunday and as I got ready the butterflies came back at the thought that I might see Anthony at church. As nervous as I was, I was also sad because I wished that the look he gave me the night before was real and that he meant to grab my hand. As we walked to our bench and listened to the organ playing I saw Anthony sitting up at the sacrament table. His face was still bandaged up but he looked so much better. Before they got ready to pass the sacrament I felt Anthony's eyes on me but didn't know why he would be looking at me anyways. It was then that a thought came to my mind. " Does he remember?" I immediatly pushed the thought away and tried not to get my hopes up. When Sacrament was finished and the boys made their way from the sacrament table to their seats, my heart raced as Anthony made our way towards our bench. When he reached us, he leaned past me to shake Jade's hand. As he was shaking Jades hand he turned his head and looked at me....with THAT look!!! Again, time stopped and the only thing I was aware of were his eyes looking into mine. He remembered and it wasn't the med's that caused it before!! It was real and I couldn't believe what was happening. Everything happened so fast as he let go of Jades hand and made his way to his seat. I knew I was blushing furiously and even though it was just us in those few seconds, I knew my parents weren't the only one's that noticed as I saw the Bishoprick staring with amussed faces. I swear half the ward was staring. I looked over to my mom and said, " Did you see that? Did that just happen?" I'm sure she was just as stunned as everyone else as she nodded back.
Sacrament meeting passed fast because all I could think about was that something was set into motion when I went to visit Anthony. From the moment he grabbed my hand and looked at me something changed. As christmas commenced the next week, Anthony and I started to talk a lot more and even talked about what had happened at his house that night and during church the next day. We knew we liked eachother but I don't think either of us were aware that we were falling for eachother. We both agreed that we would know when it was right to be anything more than we were. After he was feeling better and the bandages were taken off, I invited him to spent time with my family and I for New Years Eve. That night we had a blast watching movies and watching the ball drop in Time's Square. The night went by too quickly and pretty soon it was time to say goodbye. I hadn't noticed that my family had left us alone. As we stood their it was evident that saying goodbye was going to be harder than we thought. He hadn't touched me since we went to visit him after the surgery so I was surprised when he pulled me in for a hug. In that moment I felt as if I belonged in the safety of his arms and we both melted. It might sound cheesy but it was like we knew it was where we both belonged. We stood there for a while savoring the moment and not wanting to let go just yet. When we ended our long goodbye, I watched as he walked out my front door and through the snow to his truck and shut the door. I stood there for a moment and taking everything in. Just as no one had ever looked at me like Anthony had, No one had ever hugged me like that either. It was like he was holding the world in his arms and he would never let anything happen to me.
The next morning I told him how I felt about the night before, anxious of what he would say but he felt the same way I did. In that moment we both knew that New Years eve had changed everything and we've been together ever since.
Even though three and a half years has passed since we fell for eachother, he still looks at me with that same look and still holds me like he's holding his world in his arms. Even though he's so far away, today I can still picture him walking through the snow to his truck the night everything changed. I can still picture the all of the snowy nights after that when we walked to his truck together and said or long goodbyes as he would let me into his leatherman's jacket to keep me warm and as close as possible. These memories are so precious to me and even now when I walk outside into the crisp air and snow I can still smell his Leatherman's jacket and feel how warm his neck felt every time he hugged me and how safe and loved I felt in his arms. I still remember how it felt to dance together in the glow of the christmas tree we decorated together during our last christmas together before he left and how happy we were that night.This season isn't just my favorite because of the memories, the music, or the time I get to spend with my family, but because Anthony is with me wherever I go and this is when we fell in love. Sometimes when I walk to my car I stand in the snow and pretend that Anthony is pulling me into his jacket to keep me warm like he used to and I can feel him as if he's standing right in front of me. Whenever things get hard I remember how that felt. I picture him looking at me like he did that night in his recliner and it doesn't hurt so much.
Here are some Email's I've gotten since he's been on his mission that have meant a lot to me and have kept him with me every day.
Monday, October 31, 2011- 11:20 a.m.
" You make me happy when sky's are gray, you'll never know dear how much I love you, so please don't take my sunshine away. Sleep tight tonight, I love you :) So much. I was thinking about the noises you make when you laugh super hard...remembering little things like that feels so good. Stay strong and be safe, God Speed Ma Lady." -Anthony
Monday, September 17, 2012- 4:15 a.m.
" I love you, I don't feel all of your pain but I feel it when you talk to me about it and when I pray for you and for your body..I feel a part of it even if its only a little bit. I know that when Christ knelt in the Garden of Gesthemeny that he felt your pain of your discomfort and unsurity of yourself, or the pain of me being out here if you ever have, but he loves you. Bishop Martin saw the devine woman that you are and how your spirit radiates much like the light of Christ. I love you with all of my heart and I love to talk to you. It's one of the most comforting things I can do. Rely on the Holy Ghost you have and it will carry you. My love, I'll talk to you soon, sleep tight."- Anthony
Monday, October 9, 2012- 4:28 a.m.
" Love of my life, I'm going to tell you more in my letter but :) Wo i ne! Thats Chinese for I love you, I got called to speak Chinese with Elder Taylor to be the Zone leader in Sheffield. Elder Eyring's talk in the Saterday morning session about having a fullness of joy with family in the spirit world was probably one of my most favorite talks I've ever heard and I cried like a baby. I am so excited for Jade, he is so ready, I thought about him as it was coming out of President Monson's mouth. I love President Monson, it's incredible when he's just like okay this is what the Lord said and this is what we need. In a year almost to the week, we'll go to conference together. I love you sweetheart. So much. I'll talk to you soon :) **HUG**- Anthony.
Monday, October 15, 2012- 4:41 a.m.
" Some things you didn't know about me..I love Hazlenut Chocolate ice cream, beveled oak wood floors are my favorite thing to stand on, I look up the scriptures to songs and I love teaching through hymns. I have to go but I'm really excited to get your letter; I think I read all of the papers you sent me in my box :) What's something I can make you for Christmas? And your hair is beautiful :) I love you more than you know Morgan, I hope you can feel it every day. Sleep tight, I'll be talking to you soon."- Anthony
No comments:
Post a Comment